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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  February 21, 2012 1:30am-2:00am PST

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it seems right here trees are the right height. i like seeing the lakes. i love the lake. there's something very special here. the great lakes but also all the little inland lakes that dot the parts of >> stephen: tonight, hi. how you been? (laughter) before we start the broadcast tonight, i just want to address my recent absence from the national conversation. as the hub around which the republic turns, i can understand why the machinery of this great nation ground to a halt last week when you were denied this. (laughter) now i'm sure you felt the same way i do when i'm in a room with no mirrors. (laughter) and folks, there were some wild rumors about why i was gone. these are actual rumors from the actual internet.
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some people said that my show was cancelled by the federal communications commission at the request of the federal election commission because i was about to announce my presidential candidacy. (cheers and applause) now not going to happen. others said i was cancelled because i offended the catholic church when i compared the pope's hat to a giant yet stylish prophylactic. (laughter) still, others said, others said i was in rehab, always an attractive option, if they have that for diet coke. and one person, or whatever part of that original person has not been dermabraised off of joan rivers skull, accused me of taking time off to have plastic surgery. >> i guess you watch stephen colbert because he's coming back. >> oh yes. >> finally, tonight. >> he left for mysterious
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reason, at least last week the report came out they are suspending the show indefinitely and we're not saying why. >> he had a nose job. >> developed cover stores -- -- stories what are some them. >> i'm rested. that is what they always say, i fell asleep on the operating table. >> you watch stephen is going to have new eyes. >> wrong, joan. (laughter) (applause) i did not-- (cheers and applause) i did not have my eyes done that is ridiculous. i had my ass done. the doctors cranked this thing so high and tight you can barely blink now. anyway, rumors quelled. moving on. oh, one more thing. evidently having 11 children
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makes you tough as nails. confidential to a lovely lady. but now, folks. chors (cheers and applause) >> there are still as we all know there are still enemies of america out there who have had a free ride for too long. that ends tonight. just like every night. are you ready to go get these bastards! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: then what are we waiting for. this is the colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
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stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. nation f you read the news you know that the michigan primary is 1 week from tomorrow and romney campaign has made it clear this is do-or-die for mitt. the thing is even though michigan is his home state, romney trails rick santorum by four points in the latest polls. that has got to be a shock for mitt. i mean the whole state is shaped like a him. (laughter) unfortunately, m itt is being dogged by his past. >> the auto bailouts are popular in the state and the state's economy has been growing since the bailouts happened. >> this puts governor romney in an awkward position because three and a half years ago he wrote an opinion piece in the "new york times" titled let
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detroit go bankrupt. >> stephen: that's a compliment. have you seen detroit? bankrupt might be an improvement. (laughter) now so to save himself romney's bringing out the big guns. specifically the biggest, tannest, most leathery gun of them all, billionaire, former candidate and current candiediam donald trump. and i can assure you-- (applause) delicious. and i can assure you this photo has not been doctored because i was there when it was taken. that's not photo shop. that's actual i'm in full makeup and that's what i look like and that's what he looks like. we met when trump was a gust on jimmy fallon's show the same night i was over there last week. evidently to honor jimmy's ace cream, the donald came disguised as salted caramel.
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and the romney campaign is making full use of trump sending him on radio interviews across the state. trump is giving romney a critical boost of credibility, seriousness and class. the only problem, there is only one donald to go around. now you may recall when trump had to cancel his debate i stepped up with my own serious classy south carolina republican debate. went off without a hitch. also, without a debate. we had animal planet nat geo wild all lined up but during rehearsal gwen ifill was eaten by a puma. the point is if trump is romney's surrogate, i hearby volunteer to be romney's surrogate surrogate. let's do it. jimmy, trump me. (laughter) all right, folks. (cheers and applause)
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listen up, mitt romney, i love this man. number one best, classiest mitt ever. better than mitt jagger. the greatest presidential candidate of our time or of any time this was the renaissance he's leonardo, his running mate michelangelo but no gay stuff. speak of which, celebrity apprentice, new season, the best, you have cheryl tiegs, 64, still primo tail. arsenio hall, wolf wolf, lou ferrigno, original hulk, the greenest of all hulks. a dead circus chump, a pile of legos and clay aikin. voice of an angel, once in a generation talent. i'm going to make him sell hoguies in a strip mall. anyway, michigan, romney, done. and folks, sorry, jimmy, can we detrump me, please. thank you. folks, this campaign needs
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me and donald. because it is no secret that mitt romney is having trouble connecting with the average american. even though they have so much in common. for instance they both feel awkward around mitt romney. in recent primaries colorado, minnesota and missouri mitt got his ass handed to him by rick santorum which is especially impressive because the ass is a body part neither of them will admit exists. now fortunately michigan is going to be different. mitt was born there he knows how to appeal to michigan voters. >> a little history. i was born and raised here. i love this state. it seems right here. trees are the right heights. i like-- i like seeing-- i like seeing the lakes. i love the lake, just something very special here, the great lakes but also all the little inland lakes that dot the parts of michigan. i love cars. >> stephen: those are true
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human feelings. expressed by a man who is definitely not just listing things can see out the window. and romney's love of cars is genuine and deep. >> i grew up totally in love with cars. used to be in the 50see and 60s if you showed me one scare foot of almost any part of a car i could tell you what brand, the model and so forth. >> yes, you show that man one square foot of any car and he can identify it, then strap a terrified dog to it. i have never-- (applause) hey, buddy, hey, little buddy. i have never heard romney connect so viscerally with his fellow americans. mitt was positively poetic talking about michigan's poetic wonders, play that again. >> i like seeing the lakes, i love the lakes there is something very special mere here, the great lakes but also all the little inland lakes that dot the parts of michigan. >> stephen: yes, everyone knows about the great lakes
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but only a local boy truly appreciates michigan's majestic, the part. we've all seen the licence plate, michigan, the part state. and folks, you will notice that mitt romney addressed the most important topic to michigan's unemployed, tree heights. jim. >> i love this state. it seems right here. trees are the right heights. >> stephen: yes, michigan is very proud of their tree height. i mean look at that map el, totally, totally nailed it height wise. short enough to put a tree house in, yet tall huff enough to hang yourself when you lose your home state's primary. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. nation. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, as i was saying during the commercial break, rick santorum is the new front-runner for the republican nomination. leading romney in the latest national poll by 10%. i would say that he's come from behind but santorum is morally opposed to coming from behind. (laughter) now folks we need a commander in chief who knows the truth about this great country.
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that-- with something all the time. and nobody sounds the wafer alarm for more reasons than rick santorum. case in point. this d-day landing on president obama's head. >> the president systemically, is doing everything he can to raise the price of energy in this country. >> that's right. >> he's shutting down all sorts of opportunities for us to drill for oil. this is what the president's agenda, it's not about you. it's not but. it's not about your quality of life. it's not about your job. it's about some phoney ideal, some phoney theology, no, not a theology based on the bible, a different theology. >> stephen: yes, i agree with that one man clapping. yes. president obama's energy policy is based on a phoney theology. president santorum's energy policy would be based on the bible. you want an alternative fuel? how about a burning bush.
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burns forever, never uses up the wood. next. now santorum has taken some heat over these comments. heat that is not due to global waming but yesterday rick went on cbs's face the shiver to set the record schiff. >> so i have to ask you what in the world were you talking about, sir. >> well, i was talking about the radical environmentalist that is what i was talking about energy. this idea that man is here to serve the earth as opposed to husband its resource -- resources and be good stewarts of 9 earth. >> stephen: yes, good stewarts. santorum is to the calling for wanton drilling. he says we must husband earth's resource. that means as good christians before drilling, we must mary mother earth. then we will be earth's husband, on top as god intended. racking her good all night
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long. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: until she can't even stand straight. (applause) >> stephen: but folks, the environmentalists aren't the only war we're fighting ot there. rick has known since 2008 that there is a bigger conflict coming. that is why he said this at ave maria university. >> this is not a political war at all. not a cultural war at all. this is a spiritual war. and the father of lies has his sights on what you would think the father of lies satan would have his sights on. a good, decent, powerful, influential country. the united states of america. if you were satan, who would you attack in this day and age. there is no one else to go after. other than the united states. >> stephen: that's right, folks. the only one satan is attacking is us. god's favorite country. all the bad stuff happening in the other parts of the world, starvation, genocide,
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slavery, that's not satan. so it must be god working in mysterious ways that we must not question. but raising the u.s. marginal tax rate on the top 1%, folks, that is why the certificate pent got into this game. satan loves big government. i mean what was the apple but the original food stamp. (laughter) >> stephen: rick knows, rick knows that the father of lies is coming for us in all his forms. lose ferr, beelzebubumephistophile, old rick, ol done b bama, that is why if rick is president he will do what no other president has had the courage to do, declare war on hell. it's simple. all we have to do is take our nuclear missile -- missiles out of their silos and put them back in upside down. rick is the only who sees this. i find it pretty suspicious that obama does not have the contingency plan to destroy the center of the earth.
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we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) 3p
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>> welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight, an awe thr who is working to save independent book stores. independent book stores, i should buy one of those on amazon. please welcome ann patchett.
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thank you very much. hey, thank you so much for coming on. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: first let's tell the people out there you are rather impressive cv. >> please. >> stephen: are you the author of batt fiction and nonfiction, including val conto, state of wonder, the patient saint of wires. you won the penn faulkner award for val conto this is the scandalous part. you are the co-owner of parnassus books in nashville, tennessee. you opened this up wide. why would a writer open a book store. that is like a rodeo rider opening a butcher shop. why would you, why would you do that. >> because then i get the royalties plus what i make at the book store. >> stephen: so it's all about the scratch for you. >> no, because both of our book stores in nashville closed. we had two huge book stores, both over 30,000 square feet, one an independent, one a borders. they both closed. suddenly i'm living in a town with no book store. my book comes out,
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everybody's calling me, where i:i would i your book, they had to go to the altaration shop to buy my book. >> stephen: the alteration shop. >> they offered to sell it for me. >> stephen: really? >> truly. >> stephen: you put a hem in your dress and also get a copy. >> you could go to stitch it, have your pants alternd and get a signed copy of state of wonder. >> stephen: stitch it does good work. >> i love them. >> stephen: why open a book store because the market has spoken, there was no market in your town for a book store. you can go to amazon. >> no, there was. both of those books were profitable. both of those stores were profitable. every month they were open. they closed at corporate level. so they had larger issues. but nashvillians, we are good book-buying, smart town. we were going in and filling up more than 60,000 square feet of book buying need every month. they closed, and we are a little store. 2500 square feet. >> stephen: haven't we already had this battle. in the movie you've got mail. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay. >> i'm meg ryan. >> stephen: you're meg ray
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an in this. >> i know. >> stephen: and jeff bezos of amazon is tom hanks. >> yeah. >> stephen: and in that tom hanks crushes meg ryan and then she falls in love with him. >> that was the 80s. this si a whole newera. we've had the cycle. little book stores as well t gets bigger. crushed by the superstore, barnes & noble borders chains they were then crushed by amazon and now we've cycled back. suddenly people are wake up and going but i want to have someplace to take may kids for story hour on saturday. i want to have someplace to go to book club and see an author read. so the book store is gone but they miss it. this is the tale of redemption. >> stephen: it is? >> it is. >> stephen: okay. >> yes. >> stephen: it could be a good book. >> yes, absolutely. >> stephen: a book. >> i'll write it. >> stephen: a book about saving a book store might eat itself. now story time, book club what are the things that i can get from a local book store that i am not getting from shopping on-line.
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>> smart people. we've got-- . >> stephen: hey, hey, what are you talking about. the internet is full of smart people. >> i mean ones that you can go in and talk to. we have so many smart people working in our store. you come in, you tell me what you just read what you liked, i will tell you what you should read next. >> stephen: no, they already have that. they already have that. >> no, no, no. >> stephen: people who bought this book also bought a socket wrench set. one of the rare kinds when i read books it is so escape so i don't have to talk to people. >> right, but if you never, ever talk to people and you meet all of your needs on the internet you wake up one day and you are the una bomb ever-- bomber. >> stephen: that say strong argument. (laughter) >> stephen: but you understand that i have a book, i have a couple books coming out this year. and i can't agree with you. because jeff bezos at amazon is a vin dictive man. >> yeah. >> stephen: he clubbed the owner of borders to death. >> just like a baby seal on
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the ice floe. >> stephen: he did. i did. >> yeah. >> stephen: and the guy from barnes & noble he slashed his tires. >> yeah. >> stephen: aren't you afraid. you're an author. if you trash talk these on-line people aren't you afraid they are not going to sell your book. >> mi so beneath their notice. i am not a pebble in their shoe. >> stephen: of course you are, you are on "the colbert report." are you getting the colbert bump. right now, okay. here's the book, state of wonder. state of wonder. i want this to register on amazon tomorrow, okay? we're bumping this right now. >> -- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: no i just won. >> i wanted to register at parnassus book.net where if you buy state of wonder you can get it signed. >> stephen: really? (cheers and applause) >> now listen this is what i want from you. your book comes out, i want to you come to nashville. you can see your frinlds, jack white, al gore, we'll have a party for you. >> stephen: all very good buddies. we'll go to patterson house. >> absolutely.
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>> stephen: have a cocktail. >> we'll get the goat rodeo guys to come and play at your store as a warmup. will you sign. will you have such a great time. then the next weak will you take your sharpie, will you go to the warehouse at amazon, they will cut the boxes open for you. you can sign all day. you see which one you like better. >> stephen: thank you for joining us. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: ann's latest book is state of wonder, as i said, go pick it up at parnassus book in nashville, tennessee. we'll be right back. so, this is my honda civic.
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not as much fun to drive as i thought it would be. people are selling their old rides, looking for something new. whoa, check this out, you guys. they are having way too much fun without me. i need better gas mileage. so, up, up to 40 on the highway? then myford touch just said the temperature. she listened. she did listen. now, get a focus with up to $2000 cash back. get into the new at your local ford dealer today.
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out with the old, in with the new. we're the new.
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